Q:Can the verb think also be a noun?

A: Yes. Attorney Mark E. Leipold wrote that he believes the expression, “If he thinks he can fool me, he has another think coming,” is idiomatic. He's right. Webster's Third New International Dictionary (1993) lists think as a noun, giving as illustration the same context Attorney Mark E. Leipold suggested. Webster's Third also adds two other contexts for the noun think: “He has to make up his mind in a deep hard think,” and “Let's exchange thinks.” The two additional contexts that Webster's Third lists are unfamiliar to me.

Can thing substituted for think? Mr. Leipold has seen that substitution in an article by Nicholas von Hoffman in The New York Observer: “If the leaders of the Democratic Party hope they can fool the holy people ... they've got another thing coming.” That substitution sounds strange. Perhaps it was a typographical error.

Q:Correspondent Richard F. Bales sent an advertisement that regularly appears in “The Chicago Daily Law Bulletin” and commented, “The error is painfully apparent.”

A: Indeed it was. The ad read, “You've just successfully settled your client's case, but your client needs money now while they wait for the check.” The problem is that the ad-writer believed the pronoun he to be sexist, so rather than substitute the bulky he or she, he chose the ungrammatical they to refer to the singular subject, “your client.”

Grammatical contortions are constantly being employed to avoid using the third person singular masculine pronoun he, because of the idea that referring to both sexes with the word he ignores or demeans women. A long time ago, when this language-change began, I expressed my views about it in an article called, “Should the English Language Have a Sex Change?” (My answer was “No.”) The article appeared in a small quarterly review, but received considerable notice–and negative criticism.

But it is possible to avoid so-called “sexism” in language and still observe grammatical correctness. One method is to use the non-gender plural pronoun they. For “When an individual finishes, he can leave,” substitute, “When individuals finish, they can leave.” Or use the second person pronoun you: “When you have finished, you can leave.” Or avoid the problem altogether by using the imperative form: “Leave after finishing.”

The imperative construction could have been used in the advertisement that Mr. Bales enclosed. The drafters could have written: “You've just successfully settled your client's case, but your client needs money now while waiting for the check.” (No gender, no problem.)

Some time ago, a reader sent, as an example of bad grammar, a similar clipping. Dubbed, “The ‘Grandpa Always Gives the Best Advice' Department,” it read, “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.”

I'll leave it to you to correct that one!

In the August “Language Tips,” one question was about count and non-count nouns. There are many more count-nouns (nouns like book, apple, foot) than there are non-count nouns (nouns like diligence, happiness, rice), and I wrote that English nouns that were once non-count are now sliding into the “count” category. In response, a reader contributed two newspaper clippings containing nouns that have recently done just that. Here are the statements she sent:

• Looking back at those roots gives us in-sights about our present-day situation.

• [The athlete] moved to the U.S. last year, taking up residences wherever the tour went.

Both insight and residence, when used in those contexts were traditionally non-count nouns.

My thanks to Joseph H. Wilson, of Indian-apolis, Indiana, for the following announcement:

The European Commission has just announced a 5-year phase-in plan for a language that would become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants happy.

The hard c will be dropped in favour of k. This will klear up some konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replaced with f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3d year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are poissible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer, pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replas th with z and w with v.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary o can be dropd from vords kontaining ou and after ziz fifz yer, ve vl hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Apparently this is a spoof, but consider that Benjamin Franklin, back in the 18th century, proposed a spelling simplification that resembled this one. He suggested it to the lexicographer, Samuel Johnson, whose two-volume Dictionary was the most important linguistic event of the l8th century. Johnson favored Franklin's suggestions, but they were generally ignored. Let's hope the current suggestions fare the same.

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